Welcome to the “Blah Mode”

July 26, 2021 / 1 Comment

Today was bad. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want to see, hear, or feel anything. I couldn’t, even if I wanted to.

I was empty.

I call it my ‘Blah Mode’ – the status of my existence where I’m here, I exist, but there are no emotions or desires; a state of existing while not feeling that existence at all. In this mode, I can observe the world around me, move through the motions of my day, and yet have no reaction to it. I’ll be cordial because I’m supposed to, I’ll interact in the manner that is expected, and I’ll take the actions only absolutely necessary to continue living that my body requires. But while doing all of that, I am fully aware that it’s fake and forced, and yet I can’t do anything about it.

It’s like watching a movie where you’re the main character, or more accurately, experiencing a dream while knowing full well that you’re not actually there. The reality all the while is that you are there. It is real. It is not a movie or a dream. It just feels like one.

If someone makes a joke, I smile and laugh knowing full well that I don’t feel either. I know it’s funny, I can acknowledge that, but my body doesn’t feel like reacting. So I smile, to show my acknowledgment, and my body laughs as a reaction to my brain’s association with something being funny requiring the action of laughing. But inside all I can think is “Why am I laughing? Or more importantly, how am I laughing when I don’t feel it? How am I even able to produce that physical reaction without feeling anything remotely close to it inside?”

I’ve previously used different tools to get out of my ‘blah mode’ but today nothing works and I don’t know how to move out of it. Nothing seems to break it and I don’t feel like exploring new methods. When I attempt to go through the motions of my day, I can’t help but express my wanton state because I don’t want others to feel bad that I’m so dull – not that it’s anything to feel bad about, but I’d rather folks know that it’s not them, it’s my own shenanigans that I’m dealing with.

“If someone makes a joke, I smile and laugh knowing full well that I don’t feel either. I know it’s funny, I can acknowledge that, but my body doesn’t feel like reacting.”

My friends checked in to see if there’s anything they can do, not that there ever really is. It’s taken years of building up the courage to tell them that I appreciate the concern, but there’s nothing anyone else can do – this is inside me and I have to find my path out of it.

At the core of it, I also want to be alone and do nothing. That’s the only thing I want actually. It’s the only thing that makes sense. And so that’s what I did. I’ve isolated myself again. It feels right and yet it feels wrong. But most of all, it still feels … blah.

This was written on one of my most downtrodden days. I am feeling much better now, but I wanted to share the exact feelings and thoughts that run through one’s mind when they’re in a depressive state. It’s lonely, and as much as others want to help pull someone out, sometimes the individual just needs to know you’re there and that you understand they need to go through what they’re going through.

If you or a loved one are experiencing depression, please know that people do care and want you to be okay. If you don’t have anyone to talk to or relate to, you can always use this space to reach out to me or my community. There’s always the option of professional and/or spiritual assistance, as well, so choose whichever suits you. I’ve also linked some resources you can reach out to if you don’t know what to do or who to talk to.