30 at 30 – Lesson 4: Even Your Blood Can Betray and Leave You

30 at 30 – Lesson 4: Even Your Blood Can Betray and Leave You

Every time someone wants to make a case for why you should forgive and accept the people that are your blood relatives, no matter how horrible they may have been or are currently to you, they use the phrase “blood is thicker than water”. Blood may be thicker than water in the literal sense, but then blood also literally leaves your body when your body is damaged, whilst water does not. The common phrase might make sense to the individual saying the phrase because they have not experienced the extent to which a blood relative can betray you more than someone you have just met. However, that is no reason to push someone to accept blood relatives if they don’t want to. One’s own experience is no reason to force a belief on another. Rather it is more important to understand another’s perspective and respect that they may have good reason to hold the belief they do. In this case, you never really know what someone’s family is like and the reality is that even within family there are people you are closer to and then there are those who you’d rather not engage with. For some, their entire family may fall under the latter and so their chosen family is more reliable than the biologically related ones.

The actual quote here that people misquote all too often is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” It has been misconstrued over the years to make people believe that you should stick to your family over your friends. The phrase was originally intended to convey that the blood shed on the battlefield forms a stronger bond between soldiers than the bonds of biological relationships. I have experienced this first hand, not as a soldier in battle, but as a warrior in life who has experienced life-threatening adversity repeatedly. Those who have followed my story know that I speak often of loving the family I choose rather than just my family in its most commonly accepted sense. I speak as such because I have found people in my life – some that have been with me for years, and some that were complete strangers I’d never thought of bonding with – that have been far more supportive in every aspect of my life, and especially during adversity, than those who I am biologically related to.

In fact, I have been able to rely on my bonds of friendship and chosen family far more than I ever could with my biological family. When my life fell apart, my biological family was as much or even more opportunistic than my enemies were (some were even the cause). They took advantage of my pain and displayed their pride and ego to belittle or isolate me instead of supporting and lifting me up. They victimized themselves from the adversity that had befallen me, declaring me as the reason for all of that had happened, instead of helping me know with confidence that I wasn’t the problem, my abusers were. 

Akiti and her high school and college crew at her best friend’s wedding.
Akiti and her best friend Abiha.

Instead it was my friends – my amazing, god-sent friends – that rushed to my side, picked up all of my shattered pieces, and brought me back to life. Some I hadn’t spoken to in years, some I wasn’t even on talking terms with at that moment in time, but when I reached out – broken and in need – they came running and ensured that I never felt alone. We hadn’t gone through war together; we did not go through adversity together, but we somehow bonded as soul friends along our journeys, and proved that our covenant of friendship is much stronger than the forced assignment of family. 

This is not to say that there are not family members that I have incredibly strong bonds with, there absolutely are, but the bond is not simply because we are related. The bond I hold with the family I still have with me is because we have built it on the basis of respect, trust, and friendship. My mother always told me that friendship is the basis of every relationship – parental, familial, even marital. I didn’t fully understand that until my life fell apart and I saw that the bonds based on true friendship stayed strong, while the rest easily withered away. The family that truly respected me and honored the trust I had in them, are the ones I have close to me today. They are part of the family I choose, as are my dearest friends. That is why when I refer to my family, it is the group of people that are my chosen people in life, irrespective of biological relations. 

Akiti with her vibrant extended family.

My adversity showed me how wrong it is to force relationships, when that is not their purpose. You enter this world with the people you do because that is your fate, not your choice. Once you have the awareness of choice, you have the personal responsibility to discern whose bond should remain and whose are unworthy of your spirit. If someone does not or cannot respect you, then you have no obligation to maintain the relationship. Being cordial is not the same as having a bond. It is important people understand the difference. 

For example, in South Asian cultures, it is expected that you respect your elders, even if they are overtly disrespectful (as many of them often are). South Asians should not accept this disrespect, but they do in the name of family and culture. I am South Asian, and I have elders that are disrespectful (horribly so), but I absolutely do not accept or condone their actions. I respect them as humans, am cordial in their presence, but I will not act beyond that. If you have disrespected me, you have no place in my circle. Even if your presence is one that I cannot avoid because of the relationship we have, I hold no obligation to engage with you beyond acknowledging your existence as I acknowledge the existence of all humans, and engaging with you only when and where necessary. If that comes off as disrespectful, you will absolutely hear exactly why my actions are justified. Every time you are disrespectful, you will also be informed of and held accountable for your actions. You may choose to ask me to leave or tell me I’m disrespectful, and I will respond accordingly. You get what you give in both respect and actions, irrespective of your age or relationship to my life. It’s high time more people lived like this, too.

Akiti and her maternal grandparents.

You have to respect yourself and your life enough to make the choice of who is allowed to be a part of your circle and gets access to you. You are valuable and it is in knowing that value that you will realize the people that don’t see that value are just leeching off of your spirit. Even if those people are family, you are not bound to them. Being related does not qualify them as being trustworthy or respectful. It just means…you’re related. As much as society and culture want to tell you to keep biological relations closest, you have to remember that your circle is your choice. And your circle impacts your life in a big way – in happy moments and in adversity. The choice doesn’t mean you have to be unnecessarily disrespectful or inhumane, for you can still be cordial, but it does mean that you limit the burden these undeserving individuals place on your life.


Choose you,
And choose your life.
Choose your circle,
For celebrations and for strife.
For you are not bound by blood.
Your covenant is not for life.

Those that respect your value should remain
The rest are just for you to know,
To remember they are human,
Respect them, but let them go.
Your life is far too precious
For you to remain bound
To those that hold blood against you
But in adversity won’t make a sound.

’Tis true that blood is thicker
But what of the covenants you choose
Those covenants are always stronger
Because your bond they will not abuse.
So look at those around you
The relations and friends whose
Bond with you is truly valuable
The rest you can afford to lose.

– Akiti –

Fast 5 of the Last 5 (2020) Day 4: Change

Fast 5 of the Last 5 (2020) Day 4: Change

Change is inevitable, yet it is one of the hardest things for us to accept. We often fear change because it falls within the realm of the unknown. Whether you are spiritual or not, it takes some level of trust or faith in the universe to be open to the unknown that life can and will bring. I like to think of changes as opportunities to grasp and grow from and today’s activity encourages you to do just that.

Welcome to Day 4 of Fast 5 of the Last 5 of 2020 as we count down the days to the new year with 5 activities each day to celebrate your life!

Change Activity

Without pause, quickly list 5 things, people, or moments that changed for the better in 2020. Below are mine.

1. Worked From Home
2. Reallocated My Time
3. Clarified My Priorities

4. Removed Toxic People
5. Respected Myself

Share your 5 things in the comments and on social media, and be sure to use the hashtags #Fast5oftheLast5 #F5L5 #2020F5L5 and tag me (@__akiti__) so we can celebrate change together!

Activity Reflection

I was quite surprised by my list actually and what came to mind when I considered the things that changed for the better for me in 2020. It’s not that I don’t align with my list, because I’m actually perfectly aligned with it, but I spent some time afterwards thinking if I’m missing bigger changes. This goes back to our expectation that bigger is better when it comes to what is important in life. Once I wrote down my changes, I realized that they each play such a vital role in who I am at the end of 2020 and that’s what matters. This activity reminded me that I am a product of each choice in my life, no matter the value others place on those choices – big or small. I’m very happy with how 2020 has shaped me and the changes I’ve accomplished that make me elated to be alive.

Worked From Home

The moment companies prioritized or were forced to prioritize their employees’ health over productivity and place everyone on work from home status was a huge win for people and for the corporate world. Not only did it force people and companies to realize the value of the internet in making virtual interactions seamlessly successful, but it also displayed the value of a proper work-life balance. In reflecting on this further, I actually spun into a full blown rant on the subject, so I’ve decided this topic really deserves further elaboration as it’s own post at a later date (subscribe to see it in 2021!). For the purpose of this activity, what I will say is that this change reminded me why balance and boundaries between one’s work life and personal life is crucial. This balance allows one to feel fulfilled in both aspects of life and cherish both more because you are not forced to choose one over the other. This was a major paradigm shift that the world went through and I think it is just the beginning of the virtual world we are about to enter (cue The Matrix theme music). 

Reallocated My Time

Time management is something almost everyone struggles with and it became extremely necessary for me to change my approach to it this year. I was genuinely struggling with the excitement of additional time to work on my passions and my future goals and the workload I already had, which resulted in this constant feeling of getting pulled in too many directions. There eventually came a point when I shut down entirely and had to step away from it all, only to realize that each item is important to me in my life and I need to find a way to make it reasonably work. I recognized that if I want to work on each item, I need to find the right time allocation to give each the focus it needs without derailing other items. It’s taken almost all of 2020 to figure out the balance for me, and I finally employed a tactic I tried post-trauma which just last week finally clicked, making it clear to me how I want it all to work. I’m practicing the implementation of my strategy and things are finally looking promising! It’s a year-end change, so we’ll see the fruits of this change in 2021.

Clarified My Priorities

In the time I shut away from all interactions to figure things out, I realized that I was teetering on the verge of burning out once again and, along with time management, I needed to realign my priorities to give focus to the right things. I found that I was spending quite a bit of time on certain activities that were not in line with my future goals, and were just nice-to-have activities that I enjoyed. It’s not that one shouldn’t enjoy those activities, but they need to be de-prioritized in the face of actions related to ones’ goals, and they should be placed aside entirely when higher life priorities arise. It may seem small to some, but this was a special moment when I realized this and made the decision to take action on it. I found a methodology that works for me to prioritize my decisions in such a way that I achieve a little bit towards every goal without feeling like I’m missing out on other things.

Removed Toxic People

I lost one too many dear individuals this year – not to Covid-19, but to their toxic nature – and many have expressed how sad that is but have also experienced this. What I’ve realized is that it is not a loss, but a win that those individuals are no longer part of my life or have shifted from close friends to distant acquaintances. These individuals were my friends for many, MANY years and those closest to me know they were at one point my chosen family (some were biological family!). For me to call you my family means a lot and I don’t use it lightly. These individuals had done some pretty toxic things in the past, but being the overly-understanding and accepting person that I have been told I am, I looked past those things and loved them dearly anyway.

I did that because I followed my heart in believing that they were good people and convinced myself that they cared for me, too, because that’s what they said. If nothing else, life has taught me severely that when words do not match actions, you are playing with toxicity. So when these individuals took actions that disrespected me or they could not handle my dissenting opinion on matters, I finally chose to remove them entirely from my life or distanced myself enough that they no longer take respectable space in my heart or mind. It’s quite freeing actually to have taken this action, and that’s honestly how I knew it was one of the best changes in my life and one that has made me immensely happier.

Respected Myself

This defined my 2020. I have always been a cordial individual and maintained relationships even when people have hurt me (as I mentioned earlier) because I always felt my heart and mind were strong enough to withstand the hurt and not take it out on others the way others would do to me. What I’ve learned is…THIS IS WRONG. Everyone deserves to be treated well and respected, and if someone is treating you poorly, overlooking it or making excuses for their behavior because you’re “understanding” is just teaching them how to treat you. In case you missed it, they are disrespecting you and you are showing them that it’s okay because you won’t react to it. If you are unable to express your dissent towards something or are reprimanded for setting your boundaries, then please know that you are not the problem.

Any individual that you cannot have a dissent-driven discussion with or is not willing to accept or respect your boundaries is toxic and you should respect yourself enough to disengage from them entirely. I have had to learn this many times over the years, but in the past most of those people have cut me off. This year I worked on sticking by my beliefs & standards and setting my boundaries – a big change for me as it is contrary to my understanding nature – and I had to let go of many people I thought were my people because they showed me that they didn’t respect me. That’s when it really sunk in that you are truly better off respecting yourself and losing such individuals because the one’s that are meant to stay will do so and will respect you choosing and being you. And so this year’s biggest change, and biggest win for me, truly is respecting myself and protecting my boundaries.


Change is coming whether we want it or not
So have faith in what is meant to be
Your peace & happiness is worth a shot


– Akiti –