Fast 5 of the Last 5 (2020) Day 3: Love

Fast 5 of the Last 5 (2020) Day 3: Love

When people talk about love, it is usually in the romantic sense of the term. I want to remind y’all that love is a term of endearment and it has many forms. Of those forms, the most beautiful love is the one you grow to have for yourself. This year will be known for many things – the year of the pandemic, the year of the global lockdown, the virtual year, and so much more – but what all of the horrible things this year did was give us time at home and time with ourselves. I hope that the time you had to reflect on your life and yourself was fruitful and I want to celebrate what you learned to love about you.

On Day 3 of Fast 5 of the Last 5 of 2020, let’s celebrate the love we have for ourselves!

Love Activity

Without pause, quickly list 5 things you learned to love about you in 2020. Here’s what I love about me!

1. My Heart
2. My Humanity
3. My Mind
4. My Body
5. My Strength

Share your 5 things in the comments and on social media, and be sure to use the hashtags #Fast5oftheLast5 #F5L5 #2020F5L5 and tag me (@__akiti__) so we can celebrate you for you!

Activity Reflection

Growing up I was bullied and isolated for being Indian, being different, or being the big nerd that I am, so I didn’t really see myself as beautiful or worthy in any regard. It became more of an issue as I grew older because I was forever friend-zoned by guys because I get along so well with the opposite sex, but was never approached by anyone romantically. It made me think maybe I just wasn’t attractive in any way to anyone. My family and friends all found it shocking because they told me I’m beautiful and am such a catch for any guy with my looks and personality. Many acquaintances attributed it to my being intimidating, but I never liked that concept because I don’t want to have to limit myself or bring myself down just to be attractive to someone. I thought I was cute and smart and someone would eventually like that, so I just continued on with my life never really loving my looks, just accepting them.

It was only after my ex-husband courted me that I started feeling and seeing myself as pretty, which isn’t really a great reason because it was external validation. That meant that it could be taken away, and that’s exactly what happened. During my marriage he and his family made a ton of comments about my looks, judging me and putting me down constantly by telling me how I should try and look and dress like other girls they’d talk about. When they chased me out of our house (essentially ending our marriage), they said the didn’t want a girl like me and they would find a more suitable girl for him. This shattered me. It was hurtful not only because they had been looking for girls for him (that’s a whole other issue), but because he didn’t want me anymore and my mind immediately went to thinking maybe it was because I wasn’t good enough. It was wrong of me to think this, and anyone who has survived abuse knows how unfortunate it is that our minds take us to that place immediately. The reality is that it didn’t matter how I looked or acted, they didn’t want me to begin with and that’s why it was easy for them to throw me away. That’s the problem with finding external validation for ourselves. When it doesn’t come from within, anyone can take it away, and that leaves us without a basis to love ourselves for who we are, as we are.

While working through my trauma, there came a day when I looked in the mirror and finally saw how beautiful I was and it was one of the most amazing moments of my life. I had been working on accepting who I was at the core of my being and it was in that process that I realized my own beauty – mind and body. I will be sure to explain that process one day for you all, but the result of me seeing my true beauty was phenomenal, and since then I take every opportunity to remind myself how amazing I am. It’s not to say that I am conceded or am bragging about myself, in fact I despise that society expects one to belittle themselves in the name of humility. Everyone should love themselves and celebrate themselves, and there is nothing wrong with recognizing how amazing you are and celebrating it. In 2020, my love for myself grew immensely and I want to share it with you all in hopes that it inspires you to love yourselves as well.

My Heart

Since I have seen a lot of trauma in my life, at home and otherwise, and I never wanted anyone else to feel that way. In an effort to save others from that pain, I vowed at a very young age to always be a smiling face for others and spread the immense love I felt everyone deserved. At the time I just thought it was the right thing to do – to be kind and loving to all – but in 2020 I realized just how much the world needs more of that. The world needs more people to be kind, to be loving, and to want to spread love because the warmth from it is healing. I love that I have a big enough heart to genuinely care and love so hard on my people and the people I come across that it brings such beautiful smiles to their faces. It’s one of my favorite things about me.

My Humanity

I have always been caring to others, so much so that many of my friends referred to me as “Mama Keets” in high school for taking care of everyone – friends and strangers – in such a motherly fashion (also, because I drove a mini van, aka a momma van, that everyone loved!). I am this way because I always saw my parents display such care for everyone in their lives and strangers as well because they believed that respecting people as people first was important, not just based on their relation to you, their societal status, or their culture. It is why I wanted to be a lawyer growing up and studied different languages, diplomacy, international relations, and philosophy. I wanted to understand people and protect them.

I didn’t continue to pursue law, but I never stopped standing up for humanity and playing my part as an activist where possible. When the Black Lives Matter Movement and Farmer’s Protests erupted in 2020, I didn’t shy away from vocalizing my thoughts on the subjects and continue to support the causes where and when possible. I love that I feel so strongly for people and have this sense of urgency to support them even if I have no direct relation or reason why. I do it because it feels right and I appreciate that about myself very much so.

My Mind

I am a super nerd. I accept that wholeheartedly, whether it has negative connotations or not, it is who I am and I love it! I love learning about everything, having intellectual conversations, philosophizing about the world and the unknowns, and dreaming about the possibilities. I experience so much joy from the amount of knowledge there is in this universe to absorb and how much beauty there is to explore that I have no shame in sharing it and expressing it to others. I was bullied for being a teacher’s pet in school, for always raising my hand to engage in the classroom or for doing random extra credit assignments (like balancing equations for fun). I did those things because I love learning and challenging my mind, not because I wanted the teacher’s attention (I loved my teachers, but I have zero interest in the concept of playing favorites). Beyond that, I am genuinely amazed at what my mind can do. It is such a beautiful thing and mine is such an anomaly to me. I retain almost all the information I come across so long as I fully comprehend it and I am really good at recalling it for productive use in my work and my daily life. I never realized how amazing this was until one of my really good friends in the corporate world pointed it out this year. I’ve learned to really appreciate the endless possibilities of my mind and love that I’ve created this platform to share my thoughts with you all as well!

My Body

As aforementioned, I struggled a lot with loving my body. It has truly been a process, but I am finally in a place that I love it and this year took that love to another level entirely. With the pandemic forcing us to spend so much time at home and being expected to interact with everyone virtually, we were really pressed to think about our health and physical appearances with all the pressure you find in the virtual space. I actually went on a journey with natural products because I have many adverse reactions to chemicals and medicines that I wanted to give the natural, Ayurvedic route a try. I moved to essential oils for my skin, hair, and household products. I became consistent with yoga and finally found a workout plan that works for me.

These were all immensely successful for my body and overall health this year, which led me to fall even more deeply in love with the body I have been given and how beautiful it is to me. After all the work I put in to caring for my body in 2020, I am ending the year with healthy glowing skin, beautiful hair I am enjoying a ton, my asthma and other health issues under control, and not having had a severe illness all year. For that I am extremely grateful, and love my body the way it is.

My Strength

This year I began sharing my life story a bit more and many have told me that they never would have known that I had been through so much had I not told them. The reason they say this is because they always see my smiling, enjoying life, or being super productive in my work space. I don’t express my pain openly because I believe it adds no value to let it affect my daily activities and, more so, I don’t want others to feel what I feel. I don’t like the idea of releasing those painful vibes to anyone because that’s not what I want for others. That’s why I choose to deal with my traumas on my own time and in my own way, and that works really well for me. I never thought of that as strength, but this year I’ve learned just how amazing that is. There are many people who I met virtually that really struggle with their traumas and expressed to me just how admirable and inspiring it is that I am able to look past all of the pain and live a loving life. And I love that! I love that my strength has inspired others in so many ways and I intend on continuing to display that strength and sharing my story to help others however I can.

You are the epitome
Of so much of the beyond
Your beauty is to be cherished
One no being can abscond
A tragedy it would be
If your value is ignored
Not by others, they are busy
Love yourself, you are yours

– Akiti –

Your Heart’s Path

Your Heart’s Path

What does it mean to actually follow your heart? What does it mean to allow others to do that? What does the world look like in which people follow a path lead from the heart and built by the mind? Well, let’s break it down. 

From my perspective, following the heart is the act of making choices based on that “gut” feeling – that inner voice we refer to as our heart strings tugging us in a particular direction or for a particular option. I have been fortunate in my life to have been able to explore those choices because my parents were supportive of that and my mom always encouraged it. The result of those decisions, whether delightful or painful, have always brought me all the things I’ve ever wanted in life, even if they weren’t always in the ways that I had expected they would be. I suppose that’s what people fear – following the heart, that tug, and risking the experience of pain, of loss, of the unknown.

My experiences have shown me that even if you experience those things, they are always followed by joy, growth, and abundance. It’s hard to see that when you can’t see the future – completely understandable – but should that stop us from following the paths that feel right in our hearts? Would you stop studying in school because of the risk of the job market being down when you graduate? No. The difference is that in the latter scenario, society has told us that studying in school is valuable irrespective of the job availability upon graduating because of the knowledge we gain along the way, which will become applicable to life eventually.

Does the same not apply to following your heart? The risk exists with every choice, and every choice comes with its own set of lessons that will be of value in life. The difference is simply in how we perceive the choice.

In order to feel comfortable with making choices by following our hearts, it often needs to be the case that we have others that support us and our choices. Now there are those who are able to make those choices without any support, and I must say those are the some of the strongest people out there. The reality, unfortunately, is that most people do not want to make choices that go outside of the support of those within their circle – be it family, friends, partners, etc. – because making those choices would or could possibly mean losing those people. But if we know that following our hearts is meant to take us on a path unique to us and meant for us, then why wouldn’t our circle support that? Well, as of right now, society in the broad sense appears to function on the assumption that certain life choices are “right” and certain ones are “wrong”, so the support one receives is entirely dependent upon one’s circle’s perspective of what exists in that duality. The moment we propose the idea of making a choice that is deemed “wrong”, even if it is the choice that we feel a ‘tug’ for, the circle of support wavers. Therefore, there is a shift that must occur in how we perceive what is a “right” or “wrong” life choice before we expect more people to feel comfortable enough to make those choices.

Another point of consideration is why we as a society, again in the broad sense of the term, feel that we even have a supposed right to “allow” people to make their own choices. The assumption that we even have such a right is preposterous because we also believe we live in a free society. How can one be free if one does not have the freedom of choice in its truest form? We can say all we want that everyone has that freedom, but if we are judging and outrightly labelling folks based on those decisions, which inherently means we are not supporting them, then how can someone make such decisions openly? Physically they can, but the pressure we place upon them mentally and emotionally by forcing them to battle the perspective of their loved ones, limits their freedom of choice and ability to listen to that inner tug, that inner voice.

People often talk about that tug as a voice, and as with any form of communication, it cannot be heard if there is noise disrupting its path. Picture a child running towards a group of toys and clearly aiming for a toy car and then hearing from their parents, “oh no, don’t you like the bear more? Isn’t that the one you want? It’s so much better!” Suddenly, the child questions whether they truly wanted the car in the first place because the choice that was initially clear upon seeing all of their options has been displaced by the insertion of these perspectives that the bear is a supposedly better option.

A better option for who though? For the child’s parents? Why do we feel that what we feel is “better” in our opinion, “right” in our opinion, would or should apply for our loved ones or even anyone for that matter? The truth is that those determinations are unique and subjective to an individual and should be left for that individual to determine. True freedom comes from leaving each to their own determinations, to their own choices, and to their own path. In supporting that freedom, we will see a change in society, and a change in how people begin to make choices.

Follow your heart
Let others do the same
Every heart beats differently
Playing its own game

Each path is its own
It bears no weight on another’s
Listen to that voice
To choose one from the other

– Akiti –