30 at 30 – Lesson 4: Even Your Blood Can Betray and Leave You

30 at 30 – Lesson 4: Even Your Blood Can Betray and Leave You

Every time someone wants to make a case for why you should forgive and accept the people that are your blood relatives, no matter how horrible they may have been or are currently to you, they use the phrase “blood is thicker than water”. Blood may be thicker than water in the literal sense, but then blood also literally leaves your body when your body is damaged, whilst water does not. The common phrase might make sense to the individual saying the phrase because they have not experienced the extent to which a blood relative can betray you more than someone you have just met. However, that is no reason to push someone to accept blood relatives if they don’t want to. One’s own experience is no reason to force a belief on another. Rather it is more important to understand another’s perspective and respect that they may have good reason to hold the belief they do. In this case, you never really know what someone’s family is like and the reality is that even within family there are people you are closer to and then there are those who you’d rather not engage with. For some, their entire family may fall under the latter and so their chosen family is more reliable than the biologically related ones.

The actual quote here that people misquote all too often is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” It has been misconstrued over the years to make people believe that you should stick to your family over your friends. The phrase was originally intended to convey that the blood shed on the battlefield forms a stronger bond between soldiers than the bonds of biological relationships. I have experienced this first hand, not as a soldier in battle, but as a warrior in life who has experienced life-threatening adversity repeatedly. Those who have followed my story know that I speak often of loving the family I choose rather than just my family in its most commonly accepted sense. I speak as such because I have found people in my life – some that have been with me for years, and some that were complete strangers I’d never thought of bonding with – that have been far more supportive in every aspect of my life, and especially during adversity, than those who I am biologically related to.

In fact, I have been able to rely on my bonds of friendship and chosen family far more than I ever could with my biological family. When my life fell apart, my biological family was as much or even more opportunistic than my enemies were (some were even the cause). They took advantage of my pain and displayed their pride and ego to belittle or isolate me instead of supporting and lifting me up. They victimized themselves from the adversity that had befallen me, declaring me as the reason for all of that had happened, instead of helping me know with confidence that I wasn’t the problem, my abusers were. 

Akiti and her high school and college crew at her best friend’s wedding.
Akiti and her best friend Abiha.

Instead it was my friends – my amazing, god-sent friends – that rushed to my side, picked up all of my shattered pieces, and brought me back to life. Some I hadn’t spoken to in years, some I wasn’t even on talking terms with at that moment in time, but when I reached out – broken and in need – they came running and ensured that I never felt alone. We hadn’t gone through war together; we did not go through adversity together, but we somehow bonded as soul friends along our journeys, and proved that our covenant of friendship is much stronger than the forced assignment of family. 

This is not to say that there are not family members that I have incredibly strong bonds with, there absolutely are, but the bond is not simply because we are related. The bond I hold with the family I still have with me is because we have built it on the basis of respect, trust, and friendship. My mother always told me that friendship is the basis of every relationship – parental, familial, even marital. I didn’t fully understand that until my life fell apart and I saw that the bonds based on true friendship stayed strong, while the rest easily withered away. The family that truly respected me and honored the trust I had in them, are the ones I have close to me today. They are part of the family I choose, as are my dearest friends. That is why when I refer to my family, it is the group of people that are my chosen people in life, irrespective of biological relations. 

Akiti with her vibrant extended family.

My adversity showed me how wrong it is to force relationships, when that is not their purpose. You enter this world with the people you do because that is your fate, not your choice. Once you have the awareness of choice, you have the personal responsibility to discern whose bond should remain and whose are unworthy of your spirit. If someone does not or cannot respect you, then you have no obligation to maintain the relationship. Being cordial is not the same as having a bond. It is important people understand the difference. 

For example, in South Asian cultures, it is expected that you respect your elders, even if they are overtly disrespectful (as many of them often are). South Asians should not accept this disrespect, but they do in the name of family and culture. I am South Asian, and I have elders that are disrespectful (horribly so), but I absolutely do not accept or condone their actions. I respect them as humans, am cordial in their presence, but I will not act beyond that. If you have disrespected me, you have no place in my circle. Even if your presence is one that I cannot avoid because of the relationship we have, I hold no obligation to engage with you beyond acknowledging your existence as I acknowledge the existence of all humans, and engaging with you only when and where necessary. If that comes off as disrespectful, you will absolutely hear exactly why my actions are justified. Every time you are disrespectful, you will also be informed of and held accountable for your actions. You may choose to ask me to leave or tell me I’m disrespectful, and I will respond accordingly. You get what you give in both respect and actions, irrespective of your age or relationship to my life. It’s high time more people lived like this, too.

Akiti and her maternal grandparents.

You have to respect yourself and your life enough to make the choice of who is allowed to be a part of your circle and gets access to you. You are valuable and it is in knowing that value that you will realize the people that don’t see that value are just leeching off of your spirit. Even if those people are family, you are not bound to them. Being related does not qualify them as being trustworthy or respectful. It just means…you’re related. As much as society and culture want to tell you to keep biological relations closest, you have to remember that your circle is your choice. And your circle impacts your life in a big way – in happy moments and in adversity. The choice doesn’t mean you have to be unnecessarily disrespectful or inhumane, for you can still be cordial, but it does mean that you limit the burden these undeserving individuals place on your life.


Choose you,
And choose your life.
Choose your circle,
For celebrations and for strife.
For you are not bound by blood.
Your covenant is not for life.

Those that respect your value should remain
The rest are just for you to know,
To remember they are human,
Respect them, but let them go.
Your life is far too precious
For you to remain bound
To those that hold blood against you
But in adversity won’t make a sound.

’Tis true that blood is thicker
But what of the covenants you choose
Those covenants are always stronger
Because your bond they will not abuse.
So look at those around you
The relations and friends whose
Bond with you is truly valuable
The rest you can afford to lose.

– Akiti –

Fast 5 of the Last 5 (2020) Day 5: Gratitude

Fast 5 of the Last 5 (2020) Day 5: Gratitude

We are often asked what we are grateful for and there are some usual suspects that folks answer with, as is customary, because we are expected to be grateful for certain things like family. Gratitude, by definition, is the willingness to be thankful for or show appreciation or kindness towards something or someone. If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that we are not equally blessed with people or experiences that we can be thankful for, and so we should be gracious to those who are grateful for other things in life because of what those things mean to them and their life. For example, not everyone has family or even should be expected to be grateful for them if that “family” has been abusive or disruptive to their life or peace of mind. Therefore, those individuals may be grateful for a great many things or other people in their life and that is absolutely, unquestioningly acceptable and I am grateful if you prioritize yourself and your peace of mind enough to recognize what is okay for you.

And so, with an open mind and an open heart, I welcome you to Day 5 of the Fast 5 of the Last 5 of 2020 as we count down to the new year! If you’re joining for the first time, please visit the introduction to this new year-end tradition, and then return here for the first activity below.

Gratitude Activity

Without pause, quickly list 5 things, people, or experiences you are grateful for in 2020. Here are mine:

1. Life
2. My Crew:
Mommy & the Boys
3. The Family I Choose
4. My Health
5. My Freedom

Share your 5 things in the comments and on social media, and be sure to use the hashtags #Fast5oftheLast5 #F5L5 #2020F5L5 and tag me (@__akiti__) so we can be grateful together!

Activity Reflection

My list actually rolled off the tongue quite expeditiously because I realized what truly mattered to me after a traumatic period in my life. I often refer to that period as a previous life because it genuinely feels as though I died and was reborn with a second chance at the life I want and deserve to live. That’s not to say my list is not specific to 2020, but it just so happens that the pandemic reaffirmed for me the importance of these 5 things and why I am grateful for them.

Life

Often people offhandedly mention they are grateful for life as a general act of respect for all that life encompasses. My appreciation for life is a bit different though because I have been close enough to death, had multiple near-death experiences, and experienced the loss of literally everything in my life to truly recognize that every ounce of life I get to live is a blessing. Every person, every object, every sense I get to experience is beautiful to me and I actually wake up thankful for this opportunity daily. This year in particular reminded me how quickly these things can be taken away and reignited my desire to live my best life, so I’m grateful for that realization and the opportunity to exist here.

My Crew: Mommy & the Boys

As a result of the 2020 pandemic, we were confined to our homes to be left only with those living with us. For many this was difficult, dangerous even, and an unexpected sentence the world delivered them – and I feel for you all deeply. Fortunately for me, I could not have been more ecstatic to get to spend all of my time with just my Mom and my boys (my fur babies – Scooby, Shaggy, Scrappy, Sparky, Sonic, and Shadow – learn more about them here!). Outside of the pandemic, the world had become so focused on the activities and people we needed to engage with to feel like life was being lived, but I have known and was beyond grateful to get to engage with the ones I love most in this world because they deserve my time the most. They are the core of my being, the why for my existence, and the ones I would venture to the ends of the universe for. There is nothing that makes me happier or brings me more peace in this world than being with my crew and seeing them happy, so I’m grateful for the time I had and continue to have with them because each moment is a blessing.

The Family I Choose

Everyone is born into a family (biologically), whether you know them or not, are close to them or not, or in whatever form that may be. Society tends to promote the expectation that everyone should strive for and hold onto the “nuclear family” because that is the “right” way to live. In 2020, I believe we’ve progressed enough to realize that the modern family is what you make of it. Your family is the culmination of the people who choose you and with whom you reciprocate that choice because there is mutual respect, trust, and love in those relationships. If those three elements do not exist, then quite frankly, you have every right to not want to maintain the relationship and should not have to.

I learned this the hard way in life, but have come out with a strong family I choose that is a combination of biological relations and beautiful souls that made their way into my life, both of whom choose every day to be active and supportive parts of my life, and I in theirs. I got to spend beautiful moments with most of these people (all within the context of the safety protocols of this year), and we made memories for life that I truly cherish. The pandemic also showed me the true colors of many individuals I thought to be a part of that family and had to let go of in honor of my self-respect, and so I am even more grateful for realizing who is meant to be here and chooses to be.

My Health

Over the past 6 years, there was an onset of many random and life-induced medical conditions that I struggle with even today. In 2020, whilst the world was battling a health condition that has taken the lives of so many and continues to bring strife, I learned to appreciate my state of wellbeing more than ever. I am an asthmatic and Covid-19 has been a particularly high risk for me, so coming to the end of the year without having Covid-19 and remaining in generally good health for the greater part of the year outside of a few natural hiccups, is astounding for me and something I am truly grateful for. I’ve realized the importance of healthy practices and intend to continue the activities I engaged in this year to build my immunity and strength to remain well in the coming year.

My Freedom

In America especially, we speak of freedom as our right but take it for granted more often than not, especially if you are privileged enough to not experience freedom-hindering actions against you. I have lived a generally privileged life as it pertains to my freedom because my parents maintained a liberal mindset by which I was allowed and encouraged to explore the world and myself with their full support. Even coming from an Indian background where the culture does not always support such liberal lives, my family has always been this way and are loud and proud of it. It is probably due to us being of Punjabi descent (from the northern state of Punjab, India), in which such liberal nature is quite common compared to other parts of India. That being so, I ended up in a very traumatic marriage where that freedom was stripped away entirely and I was a modern-day slave in a life I never could have imagined for myself. After being freed of that entrapment, I realized the value of freedom and recognized that one cannot fully appreciate it until that freedom is taken away.

In 2020, as we were forced to remain in the confines of our homes and the Black Lives Matter Movement exploded with the attempted eradication of an entire peoples’ freedom, much of the trauma from that torturous time resurfaced in the form of thoughts of what life would have been like if I was not thrust out of that life. In revisiting those experiences and working through that trauma, I realized that freedom is not just political with regard to what you can and cannot do in society. Freedom is the inherent right you have to live life the way in which is true to you without any impediment by others or in any way that harms another’s freedom or life. That being said, in 2020 I am eternally grateful for the freedom I have to wake up every day when I want, how I want, and to live the life I want.


Life is what you make it
If you are able to do so
Let us all be gracious
For we reap what we sow

– Akiti –